Writing about body positivity or the lack thereof actually helped reboot my own perception of my own body. I experienced another back spasm yesterday and I’ve been in a slump since then. But it’s because I want to find a fix and figure out WHY I keep experiencing this terrible pain. I’m frustrated because physically, I’m in the best place I’ve been in since developing Fibromyalgia. Except for this one section on my back. So for the next two months I’m going to dedicate time to figuring out why I keep having back spasms. Including going to see a naturopath as I have my suspicions about my gut health being out of balance. Mainly, my goal is to being consistent, take care of my body to the most of my ability, and protect my health.
I felt discouraged this morning about a few other things and yet, I have no desire to give up on anything. See, I’m a fighter. I always have been. Even in the darkest days of my depression, I’ve never been willing to give up or quit. My life has evolved around constant change and severe shifts. People are always coming and going in and out of my life. But I am always here. But I am constantly shifting as well. Maybe I have found the rhythm among the chaos. Or maybe I haven’t. Since moving to Colorado I have felt a stronger grounding than I’ve ever known before. While things have been shitty the last two months, I am still feeling grounded. My book is slowly starting to pick up again. I needed to step away for a month and a half. However, I am finding my flow again and the words are pouring out. I’m over 37,000 words now and that number is steadily increasing.
The biggest bright light in my life right now is Ender. I was once told Ender would live for being outside and the outdoors. Well, it’s true. Ender goes outside and we walk with him until he’s ready to go inside. He comes inside and is super happy, dancing, yelling, talking, and jumping around. Seeing how calm being outside makes him helps me want to the best person I can be. Being a mom has taught me more about accepting my body and myself than anything else. And I raised half of my siblings. I have found there is absolutely NO comparison between being the oldest and raising your own child. Watching my child figure things out and begin to understand the world around him is incredible. Ender is currently on the verge of speaking and I suspect it will be just like when he started walking. He’s going to just start speaking in full sentences. He took so long watching and studying walking that when he finally started walking, he was practically running. We watched Big Hero 6 the other night and he’s now walking around making a rolled “L” sound. Mimicking Baymax’s response to a fist bump.
Even though I am slowly finding my footing again after months of slipping, I still feel weird. I made the mistake of not fully threshing out my dreams a few months ago. Even though I still have long term goals, my dreams aren’t set. Having done even a little bit of the dream mapping I did two months ago, that’s seriously helped. Knowing my goals and dreams have kept me going when things have gotten rough. I do really like my life right now. Even when I am reminded of things I’d rather not remember, my life is pretty darn good.
We’re going back east this next week. I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But I know I’m going to eager to get back home. I do feel more peace about this trip back than I did last time in May. I am more confident in myself as a person and I can fully enjoy this trip. I am eager for Ender to see his aunties and uncles and for them to see him. He’s walking now and he wasn’t last time.
Well, Ender’s trying to help me type which means it’s time to wrap this up. Thank you all for your support and I gotta admit I like where I’ve shifted this blog. Enjoy your last two days of November!