Weaning, Motherhood, Nostalgia

Ender has finally completely weaned. I was beginning to worry he would never wean and would just keep nursing one time a day for forever! One morning this past week, he decided he was done. It’s been a surprisingly easy adjustment. My body has reacted really well and so has Ender.


Within the first week after his birth, I began experiencing really bad anxiety and nursing aversion. I would get extremely nauseous, and my heart would race. I didn’t know until a few weeks later that it was anxiety. I pushed through, barely making it at times, but I kept nursing him. My desire to keep him healthy outweighed my physical uneasiness. I, and I alone, pushed myself. Nursing was so much easier than giving him a bottle. Besides, he wouldn’t drink out of a bottle anyway. I made it to the 6 month mark, started feeling like I was finding my footing. I had figured out the best and most comfortable clothes to wear to nurse in. I had settled into a routine and it was working. I was still dealing with anxiety but it was starting to fade just a little bit. I made it through the holidays. I made it through to finding out we had two weeks to move! We moved out here to Colorado, and all of a sudden nursing wasn’t so bad. I felt clean, free, like I could actually breathe. It was that feeling of breathing for the first time then realizing you really hadn’t been breathing before.

June was Ender’s first birthday. He had started spreading out his feedings, but still nursing about 4 times a day. This wasn’t including the night time feedings he would have if he woke up. June flowed into July which melted into August. August was when everything shifted. He cut back his feedings to only two times a day, then suddenly it was only one. As we neared the end of August my nursing aversion began coming back. I had to be done soon.


I feel an odd nostalgia not having those cuddle times with my little bubby. But he also isn’t the same baby I held close. He’s an extremely active, very aware almost 1 1/2 year old. He knows what he wants and we’re teaching him signs so he can tell us exactly what he wants. Ender is my little boy now not my baby. While I miss parts of his babyhood, I am absolutely adoring this newest stage. He is walking, practicing jumping and loves to hide behind our backs. He shrieks with laughter every time we look back at him.

As I watch him become more independent and less dependent on me, I know I’m growing right along with him. Being the oldest of nine and then a nanny for three years before I had him certainly prepared me well for motherhood. The practical side of mothering is something I could do in my sleep. I’m not kidding either. I can only think of three times where I felt unsure of what to do. But being a mom to my son and loving and caring for him has been purely instinctual. I didn’t have a good example of that while growing up. I didn’t know what it would look like to be a good mom. But being a good mom has been something I am good at. Maybe it’s because of Ender’s dependency on me, or maybe it’s because my heart is so willing to cover and protect him. My only thoughts when it comes to Ender is “is he happy? is he safe? is he comfortable? does he just need mommy time?” There are times, yes, when I need a break and I start to lose patience with him. This is why it is important to have “me-time.”

As I continue to pursue my dreams for my life, I can’t help but think of wanting to give Ender the opportunity to do the same. I want him to be able to see both of his parents pursuing our dreams. I want him to see us accomplish what we set out to do. I want Ender to have a mom who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she wants and push through the hard to get to the good.

Being a mother is an incredibly difficult and exhilarating part of my life. Being Ender’s mother is teaching me patience in letting him figure something out instead of me showing him. Being a mother is not like raising my siblings. There is so much more depth and so much more emotional need with being someone’s mother. Ender is a being with feelings, emotions, personality, and needs. I am responsible for him until he can be responsible for himself. That’s a huge deal and definitely something I don’t take lightly!

I love my little guy. He was long awaited and is making up for that every day. Looking forward at what the next year and a half brings, I am excited to see him grow into a talking toddler. I can’t wait to hear him express the thoughts I see pass over his face every day. And while part of me is sad he has weaned, another part of me is so excited to watch him grow up.

Chocolate Banana Muffins – Adventures in Baking

One of the things I have been learning to enjoy since we moved is baking. I found an awesome flour canister at Goodwill and it is almost never empty. It was, however, empty this past week when I had bananas going bad! I finally got flour today, so while chicken cooked in the crockpot, I baked. Baking has become a comforting thing instead of being stressful. Cooking, baking, and just over all putting food together is one of the many things I am reclaiming in my life, and frankly, I am really beginning to enjoy myself!

As always, I turned to my favorite place to go for recipes – Pinterest. I didn’t want to make banana bread like I usually do, so I looked up muffin recipes. The first one that caught my eye was from a blog named Chef in Training.

These muffins are moist and delicious! They have the most amazing flavor!
Author: Nikki
Recipe type: Breakfast
  • 1½ cups mashed bananas
  • ⅓ cup oil
  • 1 egg
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1½ cups flour
  • ¼ cup cocoa
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • ¼ teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 cup mini chocolate chips
  • Sugar for sprinkling on tops
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. In a large bowl, combine bananas, oil, egg large mixing bowl.
  3. In a separate large bowl, sift together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder. Add to banana mixture. Stir in chocolate chips.
  4. Spoon batter into greased or lined muffin tins. Sprinkle the tops of each muffin with 1 teaspoon of sugar.
  5. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes at 350 degrees F.


I used regular chocolate chips, much to Ender’s delight. He ate more than half of my muffin and ended up having chocolate covered fingers.

two tips:

  1. I would add just a little bit more cocoa.
  2. Being at a higher altitude than back in Maryland, I only cooked these for MAYBE 19 minutes. So make sure you take into account the altitude of where you live!


The End is Only the Beginning

For the past three years, I have been looking for a place where I can be myself. I have been in and out of several different groups. I have realized I have to create my own community. This is because as a healing and growing person, my needs and interests are constantly shifting. I have realized how unhealthy it is for me specifically to stay in one group for too long. The biggest hurdle right now was leaving Homeschoolers Anonymous. That group is amazing for helping those who are trying to break free of their abusive upbringing. But that group has not helped me push forward with my life. I have moved past the things they discuss and I don’t fit there anymore. This is the conclusion I’ve reached. They are not a bad group and I deeply respect the leaders of HA for doing so much hard work to make sure the up and coming generations of homeschoolers have a chance to make it.

I am pulling forward with my life. I want to no longer be defined as the weirdo who grew up with 9 siblings, was homeschooled, and my parents abused me. Yes, I am an abuse survivor. Yes, I have a chronic illness that I am constantly adjusting to and learning how to function with. Yes, I am not on speaking terms whatsoever with my parents. I am happier when I put the past in the past where it belongs. I am not defined by the abuse I suffered. I am happy with the choices I am making in life. I am happy with who I am becoming, the business opportunities I have, and the family I am creating. I am happy with how I have and am continuing to heal.

So I am changing. I am going to be renaming my blog here. The new name will be C.M. Royer instead of Profligate Truth. I have found my truth, it is not missing anymore, and I know my way forward now.

My posts from now on will be about my life currently. Things Ender is learning, or how my book is coming along. My past needs to stay in the past. I have chosen to join a company which I know a lot of people in my friends list on Facebook disagree a lot with. I am tired of being told what I should or shouldn’t post on social media. Today I am putting my foot down, grabbing my life and owning it.

In leaving, I only ask you seriously take a look at how you can move forward with your life. Don’t waste time. Don’t let years go by without taking advantage of the life you have now. Regret the time you’ve lost. Allow yourself the space to mourn. But then move forward. Go see a therapist. Take therapy seriously and hear the hard things. Find the positive, grab hold of the dreams you have never dreamed. Be a person you are proud of being. It’s all up to you. It was all up to me, no one else could change my life. No one else can change your life.

I am excited about my life. I have so many opportunities now with moving forward. I have gotten the help I needed, and am constantly looking to become even stronger. Farewell Profligate Truth. You were what I needed to heal, and now it’s time to say goodbye. You helped many people, but now I am closing the door.

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

I’ve been seriously editing my book over the past few weeks, and it’s brought a lot to mind.

I am quite literally reading through my journey from an outside perspective. It’s odd to find myself staring in the faces of the ghosts passing me by; the ghosts of when I was first baptized. The ghosts of when my first friendship fell apart. The ghosts of the church where I had my first crush.

For being so young, I feel so old. For being so young, my soul feels thousands of years old. I am slowly meeting people out here in Colorado, but it’s a long process. I met our parking space neighbor the other day, and it was fun to laugh over how narrow our parking spots are, especially for our SUV’s.

I’m consistently learning nowadays; learning what I do or don’t like, and being vocal about that. I have entered back into the medical world with seeing a chiropractor twice a week, which is huge for me. I’m learning this go-round with my health will not be as traumatic as it was 8 years ago. This is one brave step I’ve made since moving here. 

I have always wanted to write a book. I started a novel two years ago and wrote over 50,000 words. When a dear, dear friend of mine brought the idea for my current book to me, I immediately felt a pull to write it. It amazes me that it is actually being written, and in fact, almost done. This is a second brave step I’ve made since moving out here.

There is nothing like a move to make me see just who is worth keeping in my life and who I can move on from. I’ve moved a lot. I’ve moved across and around the country multiple times, so I kind of know about this. Maybe this sounds pretentious and who am I to judge who the best friends are? But here’s the thing; I’ve earned the right to be healthy, to have healthy relationships. After the hell I’ve been through for most of my life, I am very careful about who I interact with and who I let in to my life. While writing my story, the faces of those I have know over the years keep flashing before my eyes. Most bring smiles of happy memories, or at least fond memories. A few bring shudders of thankfulness for not being around that person anymore. What is especially fun to watch is how social media availability has allowed me to reconnect with a lot of people from my past. I had no idea I have known so many people!

Friendship is a sticky topic. I am a part of many groups on Facebook in particular where many, many homeschool “survivors” gather. I spend my time watching mainly, interacting only when I feel I have something to say. I had a dream a week ago where a friend I’ve known for 18 years was in a situation where they had to pick me or someone else. The conditions surrounding the choice was to pick the person they had known the longest. That was me. But as I stood there, I wanted this person to be able to pick the person they were closest too, not the person they had known the longest. I have known a good number of people for a very long time. Some of those people are still good friends, but not best friends. I have known people for only a few years, and they are closer than those I’ve known longer. I have been loyal to a fault when it came to my friendships. Not anymore though.

There is something awesome about having people to talk to who can relate to what you’ve been through. Truly, it is like being heard for the first time. There are great pros and cons to this though. And it is something I’ve thought a lot about over the past year and a half.

While, yes, it is incredible to have friends who relate and completely understand, there is a danger in this. Those friends can trigger each other since they often have the same triggers. If you’re both learning for the first time how to interact in society, how are you going to learn from each other? It’s almost like the blind leading the blind. This is why I’ve been slowly backing away from interacting too much with the communities I’m a part of. It is awesome to have a safe place to gripe and vent about things happening that only they would get. But I have needed and still need stability. I need friends who are more normal than I. Hence, why I’m putting so much effort into building the new blog with my friend Riley. She’s awesome, you guys, and I’m having so much fun exploring something so incredibly fascinating as makeup and fashion.

I want to see myself grow and expand in ways I’ve never known before. I want to be successful with my business. And not just successful, but I want to thoroughly enjoy whatever I choose to do. I want to publish my book; but not only that, I want to write and publish more books. I want to leave this life looking back and not regretting the life I’ve lived. This is something very important to Phil and I. We’re constantly evaluating our lives individually and together. Looking for ways to branch out and take a chance on something. I’m so proud of him for pursuing his passion in game development. He is diligently and carefully programming and developing these games. We’ve both been hurt by many people in the past 7 years, and it makes me hurt to see him have trouble trusting others. But we’re both pushing forward – we’re both buckling down and building the life we want. And I couldn’t be more at peace and content. This doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days; those days are not even half as bad as they used to be.

So here’s my challenge for you. Get out there, make one new friend who doesn’t have the same background as you. If you are already doing that, congrats! You’re doing awesome!! If this seems scary, and believe me when I say I know, it freaks the crap out of me, then just go for it! I’m stepping out of my comfort zones, join me??

Welcome to My New Life – Welcome to Nerium International

Yesterday, I officially joined Nerium International.

And last Tuesday, I saw a chiropractor for the first time in 8 1/2 years.

These two tie together, I promise.

I’ve had experience with MLM’s before in the past. I used to sell Norwex products, and in fact, still live by them. I use their cloths every day, and I couldn’t live without having a window cloth in the car to keep my sunglasses clean! I have personal experience with Norwex, I know their products truly work. I regret not going far with Norwex. I was only 16 when I first started selling their products. I was too young, too stressed for one so young. Having parties and being a business woman wasn’t something I could juggle.

When we moved here to Colorado, there was still a lot of toxicity left I had to rid myself of. I am completely cut off from both of my parents now. Because of that, I can now fully rebuild my life, and am feeling healthier than I can ever remember. I wanted to do something serious with my life. I am writing my book, but that’s not quite enough. I just started a new blog with an awesome new friend, but I wanted something that was mine; my idea, mine to earn money with, and mine to believe in.

As I started poking around here in the Denver area, I first looked up Norwex. I know that company, I know the products, haven’t kept up with all of the new ones, but I believe in those products. What I didn’t expect was finding 40+ Norwex Consultants just in my zip code. When I was first a part of that company, it was just starting. I was one of only three consultants in Maryland.

Here’s the thing; it wasn’t my idea. I was stressed, in an abusive situation, and physically was starting to fall apart. I was 16. So I dropped the company.

I wish I had stuck with Norwex because of how insanely well they’ve expanded over the past 8 years. Their products work, and in fact, I need to find a consultant here to get some replacements.

This is why I wanted to sit back and watch Nerium for a little bit. I wanted to see if this company had the potential I had seen with Norwex. And I certainly didn’t want to be left behind again! After sampling the products, my mind was pretty much made up, but I had to watch for a bit longer. 

Now, I can get to seeing a chiropractor last week. While I was officially signing up on the 16th, I figured this was a perfect opportunity to ask a medical professional about Nerium’s products. I had been doing my own research, and was impressed with what I had been seeing. But I still wanted that final yes or no from a medical professional. I first mentioned about joining Nerium, and my doctor immediately acknowledged she had heard of Nerium, as well as saying they have really good products.

I then pulled up the supplement facts table for EHT and showed it to her.

Nerium International EHT

She took one look at it and told me she wants me to take this. That’s all I needed to hear. I’ve spent enough time with enough doctors to know they’re not going to highly recommend something unless they know it’s a good product and good for you. I’ve spent enough time having doctors not listen to me. When this doctor took everything I said seriously, as well as confirmed my questions about Nerium, that’s all I needed.

So there you have it. I’m creating something out of my life that is solely mine. I am choosing to be a part of a company I am willing to get behind. I am choosing to move forward with getting help for my health. I’m scared though. I was neglected by many health professionals 8 years ago. I have lived with severe back pain, spasms, and tightness for 8 years.

I hope you are willing to at least listen to what I have to say about Nerium International. I am excited. This is something I want to do! Me, this is my choice!

If any of this piques your interest, would you like to try a sample? Message me, comment on this post, find me on Facebook! 

Here’s to a grand new beginning, and I greatly look forward to being the person I want to be.

Big updates and shifting paths

My blog will be shifting and changing over the next few weeks and months. With the coming book, I’m planning on working towards a named website (cmroyer.com or something like that). As well as introducing a new business venture I am starting in exactly a week.

My book, Through the Dark Door, will hopefully be released by the end of the year. It’s not definite, but I am not feeling pressured to have it published as fast as possible. I have two specifically dedicated people who are editing, and I can’t write this book without their help. I’m in the major editing phase now, having already edited about 1000 words from a 21,100 word manuscript.

However, my book isn’t my biggest update. My big news is this business venture I’m joining. Next Sunday, I am joining a team of brand partners with Nerium International. And let me just say, I am a major skeptic of multi level marketing.

I have several friends who are a part of this business.Since finding out about it a few months ago, I’ve sat back and watched. I wanted to see if Nerium was really what they said it was. I’m doing a lot of research, watching videos, and reading reviews. And I’ll have to say, I’m impressed. I have tried two of their four products, and was surprised at how well they worked.

Nerium International started out as a skin care company, and now is called an anti-aging company. Skin care is a big deal for me. I had a lot of acne while growing up, and it was the bane of my existence. Once I figured out acne was manageable, I have worked hard to make my face as clear as possible. I’ve also struggled with dryness which bothers me a lot more now than it used it. I’ve gone through multiple lotions, and oils, and only a small handful have actually worked.

When I tried the Night and Day cream from Nerium, I was very skeptical. I didn’t want to deal with trying a new lotion or night mask/cream all over again. I had finally settled on something that kind of sorta worked. Why mess that up? I wish now I had taken a picture of my face before and after. My skin felt smoother, moisturized, and all of my acne was gone.

Now, I dislike marketing. I don’t like being that kind of person who gets up in other people’s faces about this product or that. Which is why I had to wait and watch this company to see where it was going first. I consulted my cards several times, and had long conversation with my friend Lauren. I looked up reviews, looked up ingredients, and made sure I was weighing all the pros and cons. It’s a risk to join a business where you are an active part of building it. I want to make sure anyone I talk to about Nerium knows I am personally vouching for these products. I like them, and have seen them work. I haven’t tried all of them yet, but I am working on that! I want to be known as a reliable and trustworthy person. That is something I am making sure I can do with this company.

My blog is shifting. This time for good. I am not fully separating from the old topics of my blog. But I am sure it is time to start moving on. I feel like I have said all I want to say about my past, and it is time to restart. This feels right. It feels like what I’m supposed to be doing and I am excited! Help me celebrate this? I have wanted to actually do something with my life. It finally feels like I’m on a path for where that is going to happen.

Long story short, I’ll be selling Nerium International products next Sunday. I will post about it again then as well. If any of you who still read my blog find this interesting, please let me know! comment or email me at callandra.royer at gmail.com. If you want to know more about the brand partner side, I’d love to answer questions. Or if you want to know more about the products, I can get you a five-day sample of the Night cream. Just ask!

Turning the Pages

Writing has been something sustaining for me in many different forms, this blog a huge part of that over the past four years. I have struggled with finding the balance of writing the truth about my own life, writing about my own opinions, and even in some ways, feeling a sense of competition with fellow bloggers and a pull to keep up with their opinion pieces.

I have never been the kind of person who easily goes along with the status quo. I may keep up with, or at least try, with a trend, but it won’t be too long before I’ve dropped out of the rat race and stepped back to do my own thing. This year has been a big year so far, what with a cross country move in two weeks, Ender turning one, getting settled in Colorado. It has also become the year I have cut my parents off completely, and the year I hope to publish a book.

Yes, I am writing a book, a nonfiction book about where I am now with my beliefs and how I got here. I plan for it to be a somewhat short ebook published on Amazon Kindle, and maybe from there I will get it printed. A lot of what I’ve put in the book are things I haven’t written about here on my blog. This has proved to be a rather revealing undertaking as I hit several parts while writing this book that left me spooked because of the very specific memories they brought up. I have been purposefully quiet about my journey from being a Christian to where I am now, and I chose to keep things like that for the sake of wanting to be genuine in whatever choices I made.

I am not sure exactly when my book will be available, but it is looking like October or September will probably be the release date.  It is the biggest tell all I have written yet with regards to my spiritual journey. I hope it answers questions and I hope to be open to new ones being asked. This book is the first time I have written anything with such detail as to the specifics of the events surrounding my utter falling apart when it came to my belief system. I have never written anything that brings all of the pieces into one place, right next to each other.

Writing the pieces all right next to each other has revealed new parts I didn’t realize were connected. I sincerely hope this book of mine will continue to help people, but will also help others be more compassionate and allow others to have their own paths.

I will post more when I know more solid information about when the book will be released! Thank you to all who have been supportive of my journey, I deeply appreciate your care and understanding and how you’ve asked questions instead of trying to make me believe what you think I should believe. That means more to me than anything else.